i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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