im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
