the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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