I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
