also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
