I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
