I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
