I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
