omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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