it wasn't lemon gatorade
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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