I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
