Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize