Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
