Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
