I need help removing her.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
