she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
