Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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