guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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