i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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