I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
