My liver just broke up with me...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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