and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
