What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
