The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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