I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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