Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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