I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
