you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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