So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
