I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
