I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
