I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
