If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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