why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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