He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
