Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
