Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
