if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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