dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
