from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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