I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
