Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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