Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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