I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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