You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
