dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
