No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
