i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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