My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
