I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
