I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
