So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
