I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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