when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
