No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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