Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
