I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
