Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
