I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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