Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
